"APPALLING" GUIDELINES
AWOOOGAH! AWOOOGAH! To all writers and poets: Let's have some fun.
Sam's Dot Publishing now is accepting submissions for a new illustrated poetrybook in the genres of FANTASY, SCIENCE FICTION, and HORROR -- a collection of limericks, titled "Appalling Limericks." It is to be published in our illustrated chapbook format. And keep in mind that we don't necessarily mean anything by "appalling." We want quality material...funny, bawdy, strange, off-beat. "Appalling" is simply our marketing title.
And now---
[*anime bassoons and bagpipes please...]
---the guidelines:
Appalling Limericks is edited by s. c. virtes, Karen L. Newman, and Edward Cox-Gardner, and illustrated by Teri Santitoro.
Appalling Limericks is looking for 36 original limericks in the genres of fantasy, horror, and science fiction. Although we encourage submissions, we will accept only one--and in rare instances of exceptional quality, two--limerick from any one writer.
We're going to follow Asimov's rules of limericks here. If you can find a copy of Asimov's Lecherous Limericks, get it--probably in a used bookstore, or you may be able to order one. Copyright laws make it iffy for me to quote from The Master Limericist, but suffice it to say that his style is pretty much what we're looking for.
In summary, then, here are the rules:
1. Each limerick must consist of five lines. The third and fourth lines must be indented by at least a tab space.
2. The first, second, and fifth lines must rhyme. The third and fourth lines must rhyme, and have a different rhyme from the other three.
3. The first, second, and fifth lines must each have three stressed syllables [poetry technicians say "three feet"...there will not be a quiz...]. The third and fourth lines must each have two stressed syllables. The total number of stressed syllables in a proper limerick, therefore, is...is what, Class? Who said 13?
4. Generally, your typical limerick foot will consist of two unstressed syllables followed by a stressed syllable. You want to have your lines rhythmically consistent, of course...and the best way to determine whether they are consistent is to read them out loud...preferably not where others can overhear you, and point and giggle.
Think of it this way. Let's use / to indicate a stressed syllable, and -- to indicate an unstressed syllable. Here's how your limerick should look:
-- -- / -- -- / -- -- /
-- -- / -- -- / -- -- /
-- -- / -- -- /
-- -- / -- -- /
-- -- / -- -- / -- -- /
Got it?
Now, it is permissible for the first metric foot to consist of one unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable, thus:
-- / -- -- / -- -- /
However, this should be consistent for lines one, two, and five.
This can also apply to lines three and four, thus:
-- / -- -- /
-- / -- -- /
It is also permissible for the very last metric foot to end in one or two additional unstressed syllables, thus:
-- -- / -- -- / -- -- / -- --
However, this too should be consistent for lines one, two, and five.
This can also apply to lines three and four, thus:
-- -- / -- -- / -- --
-- -- / -- -- / -- --
Hopefully, you're not confused. But if you have a question, please query.
5. A proper limerick tells a story. Some of you may be familiar with the notoriously popular and off-color "Nantucket" limerick. Strictly speaking, that is not a proper limerick, because it does not tell a story, it merely defines the proclivities and aspirations of the protagonist.
The more unusual the rhymes, the catchier the limerick. Rhythm, rhyme, tells a story. Got it?
Limericks, of course, acknowledge no taboos. They may be off-color, crude, vulgar, irreverent, naughty, or may inspire chills [no, not that kind of chills][well, okay, that kind of chills, too], or make us shiver. You may try to be funny, if you wish, but try not to do it with a two-by-four. Contrived humor is often as flat as a gown model. In humor, sometimes a little subtlety goes a long way.
Here's a good example of a limerick--and note the placement of the stressed syllables [indicated by italics]:
Old Jake was a bloodthirsty editor
His girl was so tall he beheaded her
Though their date was a wreck
From her toes to her neck
He liked what he saw so he bedded her
Got the idea now?
Now, here's what happens during the submission process:
First, the limerick is read by our Screeners/Associate Editors--Newman and Cox. They will examine the limericks for adherence to the rules, for content, for quality.
The limerick will then be declined, held over, or accepted. Once a sufficient number has accumulated, the three editors will get together and evaluate them. When 36 limericks have been accepted, we'll close.
Here's how to submit:
Send your submissions in the body of the e-mail to
appallinglimericks@yahoo.com . In the subject line, please type Limerick Submission.
Your limerick must follow the line and stressed syllable format. Any limerick that fails to follow this format may be deleted without notice.
You may submit up to four limericks at a time. Any e-mail submission containing five or more limericks may be deleted without notice.
Now, as to payment. We will pay $2 each for accepted limerick. Each writer will receive one contributor's copy. Each writer will receive a discount on extra copies. Payment will be sent along with your contributor's copy.
Also please note: we want original limericks. Prior to payment and publication we will e-mail each contributor a contract in which it will state that the material submitted is the contributor's original work and that if this should prove not to be the case, the contributor will be fully liable for the legal and civil consequences resulting from the publication therefrom. Also, I have a lawyer friend in West Virginia who has more black belts than Steven Seagal, and I have an uncle in Hackensack named Vinnie Patella, who does kneecaps. So please: submit your work, not Playboy's.
Deadline: We will accept submissions up to 30 June 2006. If necessary, we will extend that...but I doubt it will be necessary. Given that we close on 30 June, we expect to publish around October 2006.
[*anime taps foot impatiently]...well??? Where are they? Start sending them!
